Back from Hedonism

I need to DO more with my life and it’s beginning now.  There are so many things I neglected to do this past quarter that I need to do for myself and the people around me.  Here’s the list for this upcoming quarter that is starting in an earth-shattering TWO days.

1) Go to bed at a set time each night– sounds simple, but it’s hard when you go to sleep with someone else each night who may not have the same schedule as you.

2) Wake up at a set time each morning and go on a walk– I’m thinking 7AM and most often, Newport Beach.

3) Drink more water.  Carry around a bottle always and drink it up.

4) Plan out my meals and snacks at the start of each week in order to a) eat smarter, b) eat cheaper, c) not be lured by promises of Indian food or late-night Del Taco runs.

5) Go to class, go to work, keep commitments… the skipping has to stop.

6) Track what goes into my body.  I already bought the little booklet to write all my food in, and on Monday I’ll start my 10 week plan.  I’m aiming to lose 20 pounds in 10 weeks, which would be so heavenly.

7) Call and write the people I love more.

8)  Practice each and every day for at least an hour on voice and 30 min. on piano.

9) Schedule my days out and follow through with the schedule.  So often I don’t stick to what I plan in my head, which is why practicing, working out, studying and everything good for me went to the wayside.  I need to plan out what I got to do and do it.

10) Save my money in a long-term fund.  This seems impossible with all my expenses and lack of money and too often I’ve tried only to tap into my resources, but I need to start putting something into savings with a definite “no touch” policy.  Maybe I’ll open a different account at B of A.

11) Learn to say NO.  No to expecting a dessert every night.  No to staying up late watching Lost episodes.  No to goofing off and skipping classes.  No to eating out more than once a week.

Now to implement!

I have been living off of chevre, lamb stew, wine, and breads for the past three days.  It’s gross.  I need to go on some kind of diet (story of my life).  I’m caught in this vicious web of left-overs from my gathering on Friday, but I think it’s time to throw away the remaining fromage and every unhealthy tid-bit in my kitchen.  What’s hilarious, is that when I binge, I don’t go to McDonalds or buy 5 packs of M&Ms… I buy expensive, fattening goat cheese and Trader Joes desserts.  I guess that’s not so weird after all.

Well as I sit here downing my last piece of pumpkin bread before I throw it all out I’m feeling REALLY disgusting…

PLAN:

No eating out this week (neither do I have the money or liberty with my pant size)
Resume morning work-outs at the Arc
Plan out this week’s menu in advance, buying each thing and packing it.
Water.

I’ll let you know how it goes.  Meanwhile, I have to clean out the cabinets.

“Run your bloomin’ arse!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Bumping into my stepmom, Dad and brothers at Disneyland tonight while standing in line waiting for the final tram, was probably the most awkward, heart-wrenching moment of my life thus far. I knew they were at the park the whole day; it was one of those weird coincidences: Cynthia and I planned this out about a week prior, and then my brother informed me the night before that they were also going the same day.

I initially thought and prepared to bump into them right away, but as the day went by and as I was keeping track of their location via text messages with David and his friend, Steven, it seemed like we were frequenting opposite ends of the park at the same times and all was safe. So at the end of the night, waiting in a hoard of people during a mass exodus from Disney, I wasn’t prepared to see my family walk up in the same line where the trams pick us up.

‘Awkward’ hardly describes it, though luckily I specialize in acting calm during those moments of extreme tension and terror. I saw my Dad and went in for a hug, said “hi” to Monica and hugged my brothers. After seven minutes of waiting for the tram along with EXTREMELY strained conversation between David, Christian (who now thinks I’m the devil) and Steven, I said goodbye, got on the tram and held back the flood until I got to the the parking lot. Cynthia said, “In my entire life, I have NEVER seen an adult act like your stepmom just did.” (Monica basically ignored both of us, turning her back and whispering with my Dad.

Everyone keeps asking me, “Why don’t you simply apologize to your stepmom so you can see your Dad and brother again?” and I explained to Cynthia that the situation is sort of like the War in Iraq: I can pull out the troops and apologize until I’m hoarse, but bottom line is that there is still a huge fucking mess to clean up which will take lots of time and emotional wear-and-tear. I have the cajones to apologize for nothing, but I don’t have the balls to deal with yet another season of passion aggression, criticisms and disapprovals. Plus, it’s not like my mother’s family, where emotional abuse is sort of like our “grace” before dinner. Once when I was in 3rd grade I came home to find my entire bedroom on the front lawn– signaling that my grandma was pissed at me. We were all fine by the next day. But this isn’t how the Palomares family operates. It’s built around a complex system of passive aggression, grudges, patriarical control, Conservatism, and subtlety. It’s all very classy and mind-fucking. And this is where most of the conflicts have stemmed from. I don’t think either side is particularly “correct,” (being raised by Nana caused its fair share of damage) but since I have adopted more of the bing-batta-boom Ordunio punch, I’m always getting in trouble at the Gavotte.

This whole stalemate between my Dad and me is taking its toll, though I’m realizing that the most painful situations often leave you numb rather than impassioned. It’s only during random moments– driving to Target or editing a headshot– that I start to break down in random bursts of tears and remember that my Dad won’t be calling me in a week for my birthday.

does anyone else think maggie needs some reconstructive surgery?

I hate to be mean because I love her acting; but after seeing her in “Dark Night” I couldn’t help wishing that Maggie’s face wasn’t so… saggy. She’s looking an awful lot like a St. Bernard these days.

Tomorrow I head out to the beach with my brother and his two friends. I don’t know how I got conned into being nanny Danielle, but it happened. Hopefully Leah comes so when I’m declared “uncool” by my brother and consequently ditched for the day, I won’t be sitting alone, frying on the beach for 8 hours.

I watched Bachelor and the Bobbysoxer yesterday with Nana and decided that it’s time to start watching more old movies. I’m never dissapointed with a classic film, and especially ones with Carrey Grant. That is this week’s new goal: to watch three old movies each week (along with losing 2 pounds.)

Speaking of blubber, weight loss is so laughably hard I could cry (or start a meth habit). I’ve been working out an hour a day and until today I had been eating well until I binged on three slices of bread with tuna and some chocolate chips. Story of my life. Tomorrow is NOT going to be a weigh-in day. The scale can screw itself.

Meanwhile, I’ve been working on my photography, trying to put together an ad campaign to gain more interest in headshots and the like. My goal is to set up an interesting looking Myspace (eventually a website), get thousands of friends, develop new flyers for the school-year and organize some more photoshoots. Here’s one ad I did… I’m still debating over the font.

Since Scott lost my iPod, my birtday present in September is bound to be a new one, though I’m thinking of manipulating my way into getting a new lens or some equipment. Sadly, photography is not a cheap hobby: the lens I want is $600, and so I’m thinking of having my family start a fund for holidays where all I receive is money for photography stuff….

Geez, I need to stop thinking about “stuff” so much. My life is becoming so shallow and Bravo-ized. I need direction, focus, a job, a respectable lover, cash flow, good grades, clear skin, better morale, motivation, self-pride, and of course, as my dad told me in a letter, “soul.”

I figure that will come with a new lens and flash gear.